The Crappy Little Cart

I wrote an awful children's story that I'd like to share with you all. It wrote itself in my head as I drove to work one day, and was on paper within the hour. I think it demonstrates the Minimum Wage attitude pretty well. I'm thinking of illustrating this, although I don't know WHO would ever publish it.

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The Crappy Little Cart
by Alissa Blaney


Once upon a time there was a crappy little cart. He worked at a grocery, going up and down the aisles, and out to the parking lot, all day long. He was a contrary little cart with one wobbly little wheel. The more he squeaked, and pulled to the left, and jammed his wheels, the more customers shoved him and swore at him. The more customers shoved and swore at him, the more he did these things.
The team lead came to talk to him. "Crappy Little Cart, why do you squeak, and pull to the left, and jam your wheels when people push you? That is not Good Customer Service. Do you need an Attitude Adjustment?"
"People shove me, and swear at me, and sometimes they kick me and threaten me. The children climb all over me and run me into things. I am not happy," said the Crappy Little Cart, "and that is why I squeak, and pull to the left, and jam my wheels."
"You are not supposed to be happy at work. It does not matter if the customers shove you or swear at you or even kick you. They are customers, and have money, and you must do what makes them happy. That is Good Business."
"Don't you wonder what we are doing here, if we are unhappy all the time?"
"They don't pay me enough to think about that," said the Lead. "Now go back to work."
And the Crappy Little Cart did.
But when the time for his performance appraisal came, the Manager called the Crappy Little Cart into the Office. "I hear you are a contrary little cart. People say your wheels squeak, you brake at random, and pull to the left when you are pushed.  That is not good behavior. Why are you like that?"
"But," said the Cart. "People are mean to me. They shove me and swear at me, and sometimes they kick me and threaten me. The children climb all over me and run me into things. I am not happy, and that is why I squeak, and pull to the left, and jam my wheels."
The manager replied, "You must be nice to customers, even when they are mean to you."
"Why," asked the Cart. "Because it is Good Customer Service?"
"Well, yes," said the Manager. "But more importantly, if you do not you will be downsized."
"What is downsized?"
"In a word, canned."
"What is canned?"
"You will be sent to a junk yard where they will crush you, burn you, and melt you into something less contrary."
"Oh, I do not want to be canned!" said the Cart.
"Another thing. You haven't been running across the parking lot and slamming into parked cars on windy days, have you?"
"Well, no," said the Cart, "But I've seen other carts do it. It looks fun. I'll have to try it sometime."
"Please don't. Carts that go astray like that, if they are not canned or smashed by cars, end up in ditches or nearby ponds, covered in slime and shat on by ducks. If they are extremely unlucky a bag lady will recover them, and they will accompany her in her sad life until they are spent and discarded by the roadside."
"It is to your advantage not to run away or be canned, but to stay where you are, doing what you do, and be happy about it, even when customers are mean to you."
"I can see it's better for me to stay where I am and continue to carry groceries, but I am not sure how to be happy about it."
"Why don't you go to the Cart Doctor," suggested the Manager. "He has something for that."
So the Crappy Little Cart went to the Cart Doctor, who wrote him a prescription and even fixed his wobbly wheel.
"Thank you, Cart Doctor," he said. "You're the only person who has ever fixed something because I asked them to. That's all I ever wanted."
So the Crappy Little Cart took his Happy Pills and went back to work, carrying groceries up and down the aisles, and out to the parking lot, all day long. And as long as the medication worked, he lived Happily Ever After.